Musings of a Cigarette-Smoking Man

Nonsense

2005-10-12T09:26:00.000-07:00

Some people are born to think only inside a box. It’s like having a brain the size of a pea, a balloon full of air, a heavily built body with no strength. And yet enjoy life without a care, it would be rude of me to curse them and I will not give them the satisfaction that I am affected by what they do nor level with their way of thinking. Because I know I AM SMART and SMART people work silently without showing off.

Nobody recognizes how important my work is, only the persons at top level get credit for what they do in support to also to what I contributed but am I not also part of a team that deserves recognition and have the same luxury that others enjoy? It’s unfair.

For all the hardwork I have done, I reward myself a pack of West cigarettes, why, I’m a fan of F1 racing team Mclaren, unfortunately their next years’ major sponsor will be Johnny Walker…. No sense at all…… to much stress I guess, spiced up by my frustrations……. Only one thing can help me now ….click! ahhhhh….. Cigarettes.

Life Update

2005-10-12T09:03:00.000-07:00

Whoah! It’s nice to be back after a while. I don’t understand why my previous blogs are not here, I know I uploaded it here when I was on leave.

Anyway to recap everything …. I am now a proud father to a healthy beautiful baby girl, born September 16, 2005, at 8:30 am. Hearing her first cry sent shivers up my spine not knowing how I will feel or what my reaction will be, but then all I could do was smile to myself. I saw her being brought to another room where the attendees cleaned her and did their routines as to with newborns, and adjacent to that was where I was staying. I felt so lucky to be near her and see and hear her being brought out from the delivery room. It so happens that my wife and mother in-law is working at the same hospital and having that privilege allowed me to be near them. I have some photos I wish to upload here but unfortunately I don’t know how. Right after that she went straight to our room, breaking protocol that newborns should stay first at the nursery but that’s the way it is here (sometimes) given the exemptions. Being my first child, I was a bit hesitant to carry her obviously ‘cause I don’t know how and it took me a day before I had the courage to finally hold her into my arms. But prior to that, being a father for the first time the most I did was to take pictures of her.

Now she’s turning a month old this week, funny how children grow fast nowadays. Especially for the time I don’t get to spend time with her since my work is far from our residence. I only go to stay home once every weekdays and weekends.

As for that promise of me to stop smoking ….. Well I did stop; damn it’s a habit that’s hard to break. Come to think of it I’m almost there, smoking one stick of cigarette seems ages to me now and I can only finish it halfway. But there are times that I revert to my regular habit just to relieve me of office stress or when I’m with my smoking partner. We would chain smoke at the balcony telling our own stories and releasing our angst at each other.

Diminishing Returns

2005-06-02T19:45:00.000-07:00

After thinking it over and deciding which best track to take, carefully planning details for my disclosure when all of a sudden everything changed. Striking me without warning. It was not part of what I have planned and anticipate and my conscience could not absorb one more batter. I needed to talk to someone and so I did, by chance someone outside the circle of discussion misinterpreted and I was quoted incorrectly. Those faults lead to a good purpose. Is there an entity watching over me, knows my needs and reservations? It turned out I got an unexpected guest, it took only one question and I gave more than one answer. This led my guest to deeper holes and mazes. Drained with all my mental strength, the dam I built cracked, freeing the waters I collected and have kept and then felt myself sink into fear. I wish I had my cigarette with me but my wife abhors the smoke that it emits much more the scent of it.

“Fear of what?” my friend says, “you’ve done nothing”. I have my reasons.

A story of an old colleague who by the same circumstance opened a similar box and decided to correct the faults he saw and became his mission. His mission would have benefited us all. He had known that we were not getting what is due and declared in our papers. Covertly he transacted with people in a position that was supposed to help uncover the truth. That same people to his surprise is also involved, in order to hide again what he has uncovered. My colleague was immediately thrown out and all personal belongings hastily gathered into one cheap plastic grocery bag. After a while I decided I could not stay longer in that “school” and left. It happened also to one special friend I left behind and this time the custodian was accused of eating the class’s bag of “chocolates”, not to be wrongly accused of provided a record of everyone getting their share. The class adviser ignored it. Threatened later on to produce the pieces or face expulsion, no grades, no transfer to any school with good credentials. Going to the principal proved also proved futile since they too I suspect are into the same “business”. Having no other options but to agree on the terms of the adviser. And wanting no more of it to happen again, my friend left the school leaving the person devastated for the longest time. I’ve witness the decimation of self brought by that tragedy and only up to this time that he has slowly and finally recovering.

I saw my friends suffer for their good actions saw their faces of disillusionment, isn’t it enough for me to have my fears?

Right after the long discussion, I ardently hope that this new friend of mine is real and will help me with my burden. Now all the gates are open and water freely flows. Tension still grips me and fear is constant despite all the assurances ‘cause I intend not to relax since the water has not yet reached its destination.

Pieces of the Puzzle

2005-06-02T05:43:00.000-07:00

Revelations ... by accident I stumbled upon many incongruity happening "in my orbit" or rather things that were not supposed to be discovered. But why does it have to be witness by me, it's not by coincidence but something is drawing me to it, or am I drawn to it? I do not look for trouble much less indulges in such an activity. Why? I fear that if I do take action I might get myself into trouble and worst be dragged in to that whatever something that I have discovered. How I feared a person who knows the art of turning tables and get away with it, I say, I've seen it, been witness to that many times over. A spectator perhaps since I see myself at the center of everything that is happening.

How'd it comes to me, I honestly don’t know. No premonitions, visions, or signs. But I have my suspicions. Always starts on curiosity. But before that, there were questions and instinctively, questions need answers. Moving on to my daily duties I try to put all the pieces together whenever I get to, sometimes effortlessly since the answer somehow finds me. Yes, they come in small packages perfectly compacted of all the details. And evidently presents it plainly for me to see.

Of course aside from the material evidences, there are good people. This person just as everybody else in all walks of life carries useful information. Their life is routine and everything is just another day’s work for them, but they are not fools, they see and hear, and carry with them the burden of distastefully knowing facts that the only way of unloading themselves of it is to talk to the right person. Communication is the key. Basics.

I have my doubts, and a good smoke helps clear my thoughts. Time seems to stop and enough time for me to sift through each piece of thought. That’s when I come back to events leading me to put all the pieces together and make my own conclusions. But how can I prove it when there’s no one to tell? For the meantime I decided not to.

I need another light…

Quitting

2005-05-31T05:09:00.000-07:00

Many times i kept telling myself to quit this habit and nothing, just like making mental notes and automatically discarded with every light i make. Many times I've felt my chest pounding hard trying to get out of this nicotine ravaged body and breathe the fresh air outside and then i promised myself to quit, but hell, i only lasted for the weekend. Heck, I even promised my wife that i will quit this damn thing between my fingers when she gets pregnant .... Blah! I moved it, till the baby's out then I'll quit. Well, I have a few more months left before i finally quit this habit.

Test from Jaymster

2005-05-31T04:18:00.000-07:00

01. If you could be any character in Lord of the Rings, who would you want to be and why?

• Gandalf - he smokes.

02. If you only had three days to live, how would you spend your last days on earth?

• Make amends to everyone then go home to my wife and be my usual obnoxious self. And light my last cigarette.

03. You woke up one day and found out that you've become female, how would you react? What will be your female name?

• What the ^%$k! is this?! and grab the best two mounds I see. Would fiddle with the body first and feel what women feel then I'll know which regions I should conquer first when I turn back to a man. My name? ..... Era

04. Who would you rather be stuck with in an elevator? Our favorite person? (You know who this is...) Or "Uncle"? (haha!) Why? And what will you talk about with the person you chose?

• Haha! any more choices? hmmmm........ I'd go for "Uncle", why? He amuses me with his "knowledge Power" and repetitiveness. He tends to repeat every word you say for just the sake of being in the conversation. I looooove feeding his ego time to time and watch him
eat it in gloat! Topics under the sun like secret tryst, marriage, sharing, or how does he earn his money by just walking around, and of course "acting".

05. What are you thinking about right this minute? Be honest!

• Lighting another cigarette.